right now

I’m finally feeling okay about right now. For several months, since I lost my previous job, I’d been so focused on what I want for the future, on things that I can’t have yet. It got so bad that I lost faith that things would get better, that I would get the desires of my heart, and that God is in control. About a week ago, I had a mild breakdown, and not of the hormonal pregnancy variety. I allowed my fear and reluctance to accept the present to push me to the edge, and in the past at those times when I felt like I was on the edge, I felt strongly that God had allowed me to get there in order to make a breakthrough in my life. I have since buried myself in psalms and tried to focus on one thing: surrender.

I find myself typing this during a series of days where everything has been peaceful, and I have done little thinking about the future beyond whether or not I’ll still fit in my pants next week. I have prayed for what I want for the future of my family and will continue to, but I cannot worry about where we are going or if I’ll ever get what I think I need. I have to rest on God’s provision.

One thing I find to be true about pregnancy, though: I am not in control. Already I feel like my body’s been hijacked and I just want it to go back to normal. Unfortunately (and fortunately), that won’t happen for at least another 25 weeks.

we clean up real nice

This weekend, I dragged Adam to a coworker’s wedding. It was at an Episcopal service at a church we hadn’t visited before. After the wedding was a small buffet and cake. I took a much too large piece and enjoyed every sugary bite.

During a lovely walk after church yesterday, we decided that we should be attending All Saints Episcopal Church. We haven’t gone in several weeks (and attended another church yesterday), but we are drawn toward the liturgy and tradition, and it seems God is calling us there for now. It is comforting to have somewhere to rest. Perhaps we will make a home there.

I am still (still!) reading Amazing Grace. I need to finish it and am quite anxious to read Norris’s latest, Acedia & Me (though they still don’t have it at the library). I am embarassed at how little I’ve read, and just put a bunch of childbirth books on hold at the library. Maybe I’ll be more inspired to read books about the little one.

another autumn week

Another autumn week has passed. This was a busy one filled with more challenges than I can count on one hand. Being pregnant, everyday is a challenge. My hormones take me from high highs to very low lows, even within a single day. Work is a struggle, teaching is a struggle, resting is a struggle. Now that I’m taking the sewing class, my time during the week all but eludes me. I come home after class Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, change into pajamas, and veg out. But I’m glad to be learning how to sew, I’m glad that I’m teaching (though I’m looking forward to having next semester off), and I’m very glad to have full-time employment. God keeps showing me that it’s all in His hands, and in some moments, that’s all I have to keep me going.

Oh, and our animals have been making me nuts. Penny has been all out of sorts, which we think is because she’s not getting walked enough. This morning, Scooter broke the picture frame on the mantel from our wedding, and she’s been much more adventurous, scaling the closets and walking on tables. But, despite the craziness, at the end of the day, Scooter sits in my lap and Penny sits beside me, and they rest. Scooter stretches out her little body. Penny sighs heavily before drifting off to sleep. These moments make me glad to have them and sure that, though it too will be a struggle, motherhood will be worth it.

cool mornings and the psalms

We have had a series of cool mornings, and it’s all been very fall-like. I pulled out my favorite pair of corduroy pants for the first time and found that I couldn’t button them, but I am wearing them nonetheless, unbuttoned under my bella band.

Yesterday, Adam and I took Penny for a long hike through Chickasawbogue Park. I gathered pine cones and snapped photos. Penny had a ball and spent the rest of the day sleeping beside the sunlit window. We bought pumpkins, too, and had plans to carve them, but ended up napping instead.

Saturday night, I went to a paint party with some other firefighters’ wives at this place where they presketch your canvas before turning you loose to paint. It was a lot of fun, though I wasn’t too happy with my finished product and ended up getting paint on the inside of my car door.

God is challenging us in ways I can barely fathom. With a baby on the way, there is so much that is unknown and so much that we have to trust Him with. I’ve been reading a lot of psalms and this keeps coming back to me:

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret — it leads only to evil.

-Psalm 37: 7-8

After reading Psalm 63, I thought a lot about David in the desert, and I am just so thankful that we have made it this far. Things could always be so much worse — no food, no shelter, nowhere to go. I am thankful that God sustains us and strengthens us to keep going, and that His love is unconditional.

happy, happy birthday recap

In addition to revealing my big news late last week, I also celebrated my 27th birthday. I took the day off, and Adam and I went to IHOP — weird choice, I know, but I thought I wanted a belgium waffle with fruit. Instead, I got a black cherry crepe, and it hit the spot. We took Penny for a walk to run a few errands and ended up at home watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Around 12:30, Adam surprised me by driving me to a spa downtown for a Swedish massage and a pedicure. It was a terrific surprise! That night, we went to the artwalk and sat in the park watching people and chatting.

Saturday morning was the Guns N Hoses 5K, and we were up at 6:30. Adam ran the whole thing with me, which was a sweet surprise, and we finished in 31:15. Afterward, we met up with Lesley and John and walked to the fall market. Lesley and I drank coffee, and we people watched and talked. The rest of the day was spent very lazily — napping, watching Leatherheads, sitting outside and throwing the ball for Penny. We ate grilled cheese and lots of ice cream.

We also learned this weekend that our little cat likes to hide out in the hamper. She can get inside, and no one (ahem, the dog) disturbs her. She likes to make forts (does anyone else’s cat do this?), so this is the ultimate in hiding spots.

my big news

Well, here it is: Adam and I are having a baby! I’m due April 21. Wanna know more? Visit our baby blog.

[The peanut at 9w3d -- 09/19/08]

a real, live, normal weekend

This is as normal as it gets for us:

Saturday morning, get up, kiss husband hello as he returns from work, and decide to go to the opening of the fall market downtown. Walk dog to the market. Purchase scones and coffee and sit in Cathedral Square eating breakfast and listening to folk music. Little boys ask to pet your dog. You gladly accomodate. Walk home. Grudgingly go to the grocery store. Purchase mums for the front porch to help usher in fall. Go to Bed Bath & Beyond and find a huge clearance section that includes chairs for the back deck and a new quilt for the bed. Return home to make pumpkin oatmeal cookies and talk to mother in law. Take a nap. Read a book. Walk husband to work. Watch Young @ Heart and love every minute.

Sunday, read the paper with husband on the back deck in the new chairs. Chase the dog after she escapes to the front yard. Go to JoAnn’s to purchase a pattern and fabric for your sewing class. Watch football and nap all afternoon. Go for a 3 mile run. Continue to watch football until bedtime.

And, yes, this was our weekend, and I am thankful.

October, finally

Well, it’s officially October– my favorite month in my favorite season. This morning was cool and sunny. I’m wearing long sleeves and a new pair of shoes. Not too shabby for a Wednesday.

Here’s a few tidbits from this week:

-I’m not teaching, per se. Instead, I’m having midsemester conferences with my students, the first round of which was last night. It went better than I expected, but my students are great so I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s nice to have a week off of lesson planning, though this just added to my laziness this past weekend.

-The past couple of weeks, I’ve been really lazy and tired in general, but I think it’s passing. Last night, I wasn’t totally exhausted when I usually have been going to bed at 9:30 (lame, I know). I also woke up way before my alarm clock and still haven’t fallen asleep at my keyboard.

-Adam accidentally took my cell phone yesterday, so I have his. We’ll be trading back tonight.

-I have been watching too much TV and not reading enough. I’ve been in the middle of the same book for almost a month. I’m thinking about fasting TV next week.

-I signed up for a sewing class and it starts Monday. I have to find a basic pattern (less than five pieces) and buy some fabric. I’m quite excited. (Any suggestions?)

-I think I’ll make this recipe for pumpkin oatmeal cookies. Seems like a good way to usher in fall.

-Speaking of ushering in fall, Adam made chili last weekend. That makes it official. Fall is here. Hurrah!