almost new year

How is Christmas over already? How is it almost New Year’s? And how can it be that we have less than four months until the baby arrives?

I have moments where it occurs to me that this is really happening, that we’re going to have a baby and be parents, that Lindsay as I know her is going to change forever. And on a particularly hormonal day, this can send me into a tailspin. It did yesterday, drudging up feelings about stuff I haven’t thought about in forever, whether we’re ready to be parents, if I’ll ever get my body back or be able to drink beer again.

But then I have moments where it occurs to me that I’m getting a baby of my very own, a child to teach and take care of, who will think the world of me, at least for a while. And then I think that my life is going to change and be filled with more joy than I can possibly imagine. I’m going to be someone’s mom.

In spite of all this, life goes on. I baked cookies and we rearranged the living room (then thought, ‘This is so much better — why didn’t we have it like this before?’). I read books and worked on a quilt for the baby. Adam and I watched Scrubs and went to the movies. We went to church and got sprayed with holy water. He rubbed my back. I felt better.

I’m still fine tuning my resolutions list, one that’s longer than any other I’ve ever made. I blame it on the fact that I’m going to be someone’s mom, that it gives me some perspective and motivation to restructure things and commit to others. I’ll be sharing it soon.

I am very much looking forward to starting 2009!

chilly afternoon

Drinking hot chocolate has become an afternoon work ritual, something I can rely on to help order my day. It’s warm outside but chilly in the office. I decided I’d really like some long fingerless mittens (like leg warmers for your arms), something akin to this, though I’m pretty sure we don’t have money to spend on something so superfluous. Perhaps it could be a Christmas gift.

At Barnes & Noble last night, over a decaf coffee, I thumbed through Lotta Jansdotter’s Lotta Prints and found plenty of inspiration to swirl through my mind. Even as I lay down to sleep I was putting together a plan, something I feel I can accomplish in the next few months without much expense.

After tonight, I have two more meetings with my class. I will miss teaching next semester, but I’m ready for a break.

I’m trying to be a bit more intentional about slowing down and keeping things simple. Especially with the baby on the way, it’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy. Being undercommitted this spring will certainly help — in the domestic sphere as well as the spiritual one.

future art

This morning brought me back to work after a long weekend visiting with my dad. We took many walks, including a spontaneous walking tour of downtown so my dad could take pictures with his amazing new camera (I’m jealous and want a digital SLR so badly!), went to the fall market, bought delicious food and beer (n/a for me), went to my big ultrasound and got to see Baby C again, drank too much coffee, and built several fires in our yet-to-be-used fireplace. I also spent much of my Saturday working on my next sewing project, a maternity shirt that I should finish by this weekend.

I am glad for another short week and this upcoming holiday weekend to spend with our visitor.

Yesterday, I bought a sketch pad and some drawing pencils. I’ve found myself so creatively stirred lately, and I figured it was time to revive my art. It’s a renaissance of sorts, having spent most of my childhood years drawing, taking art classes, and eventually almost majoring in art in college with plans to become a animator (an impractical choice, but one I sort of regret not taking). I have acrylics and watercolors just waiting to be used and a bunch of ideas knocking around my head.

With the many inspiring handmade crafters and artists online I have stumbled upon recently, I just can’t seem to contain my excitement about doing something creative. Honestly, I want to be one of them, though I’m not sure yet how I will accomplish this. All I know is that I plan to pursue art in whatever capacity I can and continue to pray that God will show me his will in all of it. And that he would give me patience. I definitely need a healthy dose.

good morning!

I am off to pick up my dad from the airport. It’s a brisk morning with record lows overnight, but the sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day. Lately, I have been inspired by beauty all around.

Having waited for the next few weeks for so long, I am elated that they are here. I get a few days off work and some time to relax. The house is clean after months of filth. And I am now 18 weeks pregnant, awaiting those first little flutters of movement and more peaceful day by day about Adam’s and my impending parenthood.

Have a lovely day. And, if you have a chance, give the new Ray La Montagne album a listen. I got it over the weekend and can’t stop listening.

three more weeks

I am eager for the next three weeks to be over. By then, my sewing class will be finished, the bulk of the semester and essentially all of my teaching will be complete, I will see my baby via ultrasound again (the big one!), my father will be visiting, and I’ll have a few days off for vacation and Thanksgiving. But for now, I am busy and persevering, taking comfort in what I can.

I finally finished Amazing Grace and moved on to a book on writing your birth plan. Amazing Grace was good, but it seemed to go on and on. I thumbed through Acedia & Me at Barnes & Noble, and it seems to have a bit more narrative structure, much like The Cloister Walk, so I’m looking forward to getting my hands on a copy. For now, I am knee deep in baby books, which is where I think I should be. Adam told me the other day that I’m in the info gathering phase and I keep repeating the same facts over and over to him about childbirth, daycare, etc. He a real trooper to keep listening as I yammer on about natural birth and the statistics for c-sections in the U.S. He even went with me to Victoria’s Secret to buy new bras. Aww.

Tonight, I will sew and hopefully finish my apron. I don’t know what to make next, but I feel accomplished having made something myself (and finally understanding how to use my sewing machine). I also found information on how to convert non-maternity clothes to maternity. I plan to buy some cheap items at the Salvation Army and some stretchy fabric and give it a shot. If I ever get time for it, that is. I’ll have papers to grade this weekend and I’m proofing the new issue of Relief. So, so busy.

But three more weeks, three more weeks . . .

right now

I’m finally feeling okay about right now. For several months, since I lost my previous job, I’d been so focused on what I want for the future, on things that I can’t have yet. It got so bad that I lost faith that things would get better, that I would get the desires of my heart, and that God is in control. About a week ago, I had a mild breakdown, and not of the hormonal pregnancy variety. I allowed my fear and reluctance to accept the present to push me to the edge, and in the past at those times when I felt like I was on the edge, I felt strongly that God had allowed me to get there in order to make a breakthrough in my life. I have since buried myself in psalms and tried to focus on one thing: surrender.

I find myself typing this during a series of days where everything has been peaceful, and I have done little thinking about the future beyond whether or not I’ll still fit in my pants next week. I have prayed for what I want for the future of my family and will continue to, but I cannot worry about where we are going or if I’ll ever get what I think I need. I have to rest on God’s provision.

One thing I find to be true about pregnancy, though: I am not in control. Already I feel like my body’s been hijacked and I just want it to go back to normal. Unfortunately (and fortunately), that won’t happen for at least another 25 weeks.

another autumn week

Another autumn week has passed. This was a busy one filled with more challenges than I can count on one hand. Being pregnant, everyday is a challenge. My hormones take me from high highs to very low lows, even within a single day. Work is a struggle, teaching is a struggle, resting is a struggle. Now that I’m taking the sewing class, my time during the week all but eludes me. I come home after class Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, change into pajamas, and veg out. But I’m glad to be learning how to sew, I’m glad that I’m teaching (though I’m looking forward to having next semester off), and I’m very glad to have full-time employment. God keeps showing me that it’s all in His hands, and in some moments, that’s all I have to keep me going.

Oh, and our animals have been making me nuts. Penny has been all out of sorts, which we think is because she’s not getting walked enough. This morning, Scooter broke the picture frame on the mantel from our wedding, and she’s been much more adventurous, scaling the closets and walking on tables. But, despite the craziness, at the end of the day, Scooter sits in my lap and Penny sits beside me, and they rest. Scooter stretches out her little body. Penny sighs heavily before drifting off to sleep. These moments make me glad to have them and sure that, though it too will be a struggle, motherhood will be worth it.